The Advice Corner: Talking with teens about sex, drinking, and drugs without pushing them away

This month’s question: How do I talk to my teen about sex, drinking, and drugs without pushing them away?

Nikole Slocum, MS, LPCC, JFCS Therapist:

A lot of parents think they need to have this huge, serious talk, and honestly, that’s usually what makes everybody panic. Teens are also incredibly perceptive when it comes to adults feeling anxious, uncomfortable, or overly intense – especially when it comes to their parents. Parents might go into these conversations nervous, and teens pick up on that nervous energy almost immediately. Within about 30 seconds everyone wants to escape the conversation, with “ughs,” “ewws,” and eye rolls to boot.

I think it helps to take some pressure off the table right away. This doesn’t have to be one perfect, “Gilmore Girls style” conversation where you say everything exactly right. Most of the time, these conversations go better when they’re smaller, more casual, and happen over time – think multiple micro-conversations vs. one big conversation. Having smaller conversations can be helpful when engaging in an activity that doesn’t require direct eye contact. Some examples could be playing a game together (Uno?), taking a walk, taking a drive, or any other activity you both enjoy together!

Get curious and conversational
I’ve found that teens are usually pretty good at sensing when a conversation secretly has an agenda. If it comes in too strong, they tend to either shut down or go into “PR mode” and start giving answers they think parents want to hear. Anything to make this conversation stop! I usually encourage parents to slow themselves down a little first. Teens tend to respond better when the conversation feels genuinely curious instead of emotionally loaded.

Instead of saying, “You better not be doing this stuff,” it tends to go a little better with getting curious with openers more like:

“What’s it like for people your age with this stuff?”
“Do you feel like there’s a lot of pressure around drinking or vaping?”
“What do people your age actually think about this?”

You’re not approving of anything. You’re just trying to understand the world they’re growing up in. In all honesty, that world changes so fast! Teen culture shifts every generation, and sometimes parents forget their experience as a teenager is not going to map perfectly into what their teen is navigating in the present.

Sharing your experience helps build a bridge
I actually think it can help when parents talk a little bit about what their experience was like at that age too. What pressures did they feel? What were they exposed to? What did they wish adults understood better? Not in a “back in my day…” kind of way, but in a way that makes the conversation feel more human-to-human vs. parent (authority)-to-child.

I also think parents can sometimes put pressure on themselves to sound perfectly calm, perfectly informed, or perfectly prepared. You really don’t have to do that at all. It’s ok if it feels a little awkward. It probably will. Sometimes even saying, “I have no idea how to bring this up without sounding awkward,” can actually help teens engage more because it feels real.

Moving beyond the “Don’ts”
When talking about sex specifically, I usually encourage parents to go beyond just warnings or risks. Teens hear plenty of “don’t do it” messaging already. What they often need more help with is talking through things like consent, pressure, respect, emotional readiness, and how to handle situations that feel uncomfortable.

Same with drinking or drugs. Pretending teens will never encounter these things usually doesn’t help much. It tends to work better to talk realistically about situations they may actually find themselves in and the best/safest ways to handle them.

Open door policy
One of the best things parents can do to help support their teens navigating risky experiences is keeping the door open. A lot of teens avoid telling parents things because they’re terrified the reaction will immediately become anger, panic, punishment, or a three-hour lecture. That doesn’t mean parents can’t have rules or expectations. Of course they can. But if a teen feels like honesty automatically equals explosion, they’re probably going to hide things.

In summary
The long-term goal is not total control over every decision. That’s unrealistic. The goal is helping your teen become someone who can think through situations, make safer choices, and come to you when something goes wrong. Teens are going to make mistakes. What matters most is whether your teen feels like they can still come to you afterward.

Getting the conversations perfect isn’t necessary for them to be meaningful. Most of the meaningful conversations between parents and teens are a little clunky. That’s totally normal. Most teens aren’t going to remember if their parent had all the words right or even if they had it all figured out. What teens usually remember most is whether the conversation felt safe enough to have again.

The Advice Corner

The Advice Corner provides responses from a variety of staff, each with unique expertise, background and perspective. Please let us know if you have questions that you would like us to highlight. We want to hear from you! Questions will be posted anonymously. Please email questions to acowan@jfcsmn.org