The Advice Corner: Parent feels guilty for needing space

This month’s question: Is it normal to feel burnt out as a parent? I feel guilty for needing space.

Natalie Quiring-Oleson, MSW, LICSW • JFCS Therapist:

If you saw a job posting whose duties include housecleaner, personal chef, nurse, home organizer, therapist, taxi driver, behavior specialist, and activities director (plus other duties as assigned), would you apply? I think most of us would not. And yet, these are the different hats that parents wear regularly, sometimes all in the same day! Being a parent is an unpaid, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week job, with little to no time off. Is it any wonder that most parents find themselves burnt out at times?

While most parents would say all of this work is absolutely worth it, it still takes an emotional toll (all while being sleep-deprived and figuring out what to have for dinner). There is also an enormous amount of cognitive labor (often called the “mental load,”) that goes with raising children. These are the thoughts, questions, and decisions that happen behind the scenes.

Some examples include, do we sign her up for summer camp? Is he ready for potty-training? She’s growing out of her clothes, do we keep, sell, or donate the old ones? Is her soccer uniform clean? Is he eating enough vegetables? Does she have enough friends and socialization? Does she need a math tutor? Did we get a present for his friend’s birthday party yet? Are we limiting screen time enough? And on and on and on. This near-constant loop of a mental to-do list can be exhausting.

It is also important to remember that all of us have identities outside of being a parent. Our jobs, parents, friends, pets, siblings, and community have expectations of us as well. Some of those relationships involve more caretaking. We also have to care of our own physical and emotional health, and hopefully engage in hobbies we enjoy. Due to all these different facets of ourselves, it is not possible to attend to all of the competing needs and wants. Like a juggling act, sometimes a ball or two drops. This is normal!

Taking time to care for yourself is not anything to feel guilty about. It is imperative. We cannot pour from an empty cup. Activities such as exercise, meditation, therapy, spending time with friends and family, and hobbies can help burnout.

It may seem obvious, but this will take time and energy away from your children. This is ok. It is good modeling for them to see you care for yourself. Self-care can also make it easier to maintain your emotional regulation during your child’s most difficult moments. This can help to make better parenting decisions overall.

In summary, it is very normal for parents to occasionally get burnt out. Parenting can be an all-consuming job. Even while we love it, and adore our children to the moon and back, it is a lot. This is why self-care is so important. We all deserve a break from time to time.

The Advice Corner

The Advice Corner provides responses from a variety of staff, each with unique expertise, background and perspective. Please let us know if you have questions that you would like us to highlight. We want to hear from you! Questions will be posted anonymously. Please email questions to acowan@jfcsmn.org