The Advice Corner: How do I talk to my 9-year-old daughter about ICE in our communities?

This month’s question: How can I talk with my 9-year-old daughter, in an age-appropriate way, about Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) in our communities? I want to be calm and reassure her about safety but also be truthful. She has lots of questions and doesn’t understand why her school is cancelled.   

Leah Persky, Ph.D & CFLE, Parent Coach and Professional and Community Education Program Manager  

Talking with kids about the current activities in the community or a violent event can feel overwhelming. As we write this, kids across the Twin Cities are missing out on school because of this situation, and the anger, sadness and frustration is palpable. Our kids pick up on this, even if they don’t know exactly what has happened.  

It is normal to feel overwhelmed and not know what to say to your kids about this. As parents, our primary goal is to keep our kids safe and we often want to shelter them from these horrible events. Sadly, we know sheltering our school-aged kids is rarely feasible or practical. Here are some ideas to help you begin these conversations with empathy and in an age-appropriate way.  

As a starting point, a calm approach can help children of all ages feel supported and safe. Begin discussions with your daughter when you and she are feeling present and grounded. It is sometimes easier to have these challenging discussions when you are driving, walking, or engaged in light activity, so there is less pressure; your child may have an easier time opening up. 

Sadly, we have written similar responses to challenging events over the past five years. In addition to being calm and present, the biggest things you can do are: let your child and their personality lead the conversation; know you do not have to be an expert; trust yourself, and turn to trusted professionals if you feel that you need more support.  

You know your child best, and taking this first step to discuss this tough subject lets them know you care and are there for them. Demonstrating that you are human, you love them, you may not have all of the answers, and you can work together through this hard time is what is most important. Once you have found the right time and location to start the conversation here are some suggestions: 

1. Start by finding out what your child already knows or has heard and then invite them to share their thoughts or questions. Use simple, honest language that matches their age. Avoid graphic details for kids of all ages, while still clearly stating what happened. It’s okay to say, “Something very sad happened,” and to acknowledge that it may bring up big feelings. 

2. Reassure your child about their safety. Be real and explain that school is closed to ensure the safety of all. You can talk about the vigils, protests, why people are afraid, and note all of the helping people who are working on this issue. Highlight the helpers and the trusted adults in their world (teachers, neighbors, bystanders, local leaders, etc.). Ask how they are feeling and also name the emotions you all may be experiencing. Let them know it’s normal to feel scared, confused, angry, or sad, and that you are there to support them. 

3. While so many of us have had the news on constantly over the past days, work to limit your exposure. Repeated exposure to news and social media can be detrimental, especially for young kids. Also notice how your media diet is impacting your well-being. If you are trying to balance staying up to date with limiting exposure, give yourself some time to get caught up one or two times each day for 5-10 minutes/time. This models healthy coping by showing how you process difficult news with care and balance. Graphic images of the events can be harmful to children, so make sure your kids are not exposed to visual and graphic images of the events. 

4. Talk about what ICE actually is (in an age-appropriate way). To start the conversation with a 9-year-old, you can explore what ICE is: a federal (national) agency meant to enforce immigration laws. For older kids, you can provide the context of immigration as a political and controversial issue. Setting the context and providing some history to the issue provides a helpful lens that is often missing from social media posts or snippets of news. You can do some research together – explore some books or films on this to gain a deeper understanding. Remember that you do not have to know all the answers. This approach avoids politicization, polarization, and simplification of the issues. 

5. Share your values. This can help children understand and process the events on their own terms, provide meaningful language, and allow for connection with powerful traditions. This can give kids a framework of what your family values are and can provide grounding. The themes of justice (Tzedeck), accountability, and the sanctity of life (Pikuach Nefesh) all have their roots in Judaism. These concepts highlight how values and traditions can help us to connect with each other and can help to make sense of challenging times. Values can be tailored to make sense to kids of all ages. 

6. End the conversation with connection. Do something simple you like doing together: a walk, a snack, a short story, or time with family pets. This can help reinforce a sense of stability and support. Ending on a positive note will also leave the door open to further conversation. Often these conversations will be short and that’s okay. You will know where and how to pick up the thread of conversation next time.   

 

None of this is easy, but the important thing is to be present with yourself and your family and start the conversation with love and empathy. Below are links with additional resources for kids and parents. If you are looking for more support or are interested in exploring parent coaching, reach out to us lpersky@jfcsmn.org, 952-542-4825, or fill out the parent coaching interest form: https://jfcsmpls.org/parent-coaching-interest-form/ 

Helpful General Resources 

Global Refuge. How to Talk to Your Kids about Immigration. https://www.globalrefuge.org/news/talk-kids-immigration/ 

PJ Library: 2018 Talking to your kids about Immigration: https://pjlibrary.org/beyond-books/pjblog/june-2018/talk-about-immigration   

Children’s Hospital, Los Angeles. (July, 2025) Talking to Kids About Immigration Enforcement in Their Communities. https://www.chla.org/blog/advice-experts/talking-kids-about-immigration-enforcement-their-communities 

A Love Letter and Support Guide for Families Navigating Harmful Immigration Raids and Policies: https://childrenthriveaction.org/wp-content/uploads/2025/10/English-Love-Letter.pdf 

NPR: What to Say to Kids when the News is Scary. (August 2025). https://www.npr.org/2019/04/24/716704917/when-the-news-is-scary-what-to-say-to-kids 

Spark and Stitch Institute: Helping Kids Cope with Tragedy and Violence by Walsh and Walsh. (2022). https://sparkandstitchinstitute.com/helping-kids-cope-with-tragedy/ 

Book Lists for Kids of All Ages 

Indiana University, Bloomington: Recommended Reads from the Children’s Collection @ the Education Library. https://guides.libraries.indiana.edu/EdLibBooks/migrant 

Social Justice Books: A Project of Teaching for Change. https://socialjusticebooks.org/booklists/immigration/ 

The Advice Corner

At JFCS, professional staff work to support and empower families at all ages and stages. We know that parenting is the most amazing and most challenging job around. Whether you are navigating toddler tantrums, trying to get your teen to put their phone down and connect with you, or trying to juggle hectic schedules, you are not alone. We will provide responses from a variety of staff, each with unique expertise, background and perspective. Please let us know if you have questions you would like us to highlight. We want to hear from you! Questions will be posed anonymously. Please email questions to: lpersky@jfcsmn.org