The Advice Corner: How do I support my anxious child without feeding into their fears?
No one wants to reinforce their child’s fear of monsters under the bed, but we do want them to feel heard and supported. How do we thread that needle? This month’s question tackles how parents can support their children in managing their fears without making them bigger.
This month’s question: How do I support my anxious child without feeding into their fears?
Becca Hotchkiss, MSW, LICSW, JFCS Therapist:
Anxiety is one of the trickiest things to guide a child through, especially when that fear is irrational. As a therapist who works with children, here is what I suggest:
Validate and coregulate
To help differentiate between the feeling of anxiety and the source, I focus on validating the feeling versus the belief. For example, let’s say your child is terrified of getting bit by a shark while swimming in a lake. As grown-ups, we have the knowledge and experience to know that sharks don’t swim in lakes. You probably tried to explain this to your child when they first started showing signs of fear.
“Don’t worry, Sally, there aren’t any sharks in this lake,” you may have said. If a child is more regulated, they may be able to take this on board and feel relief. However, if your child is more dysregulated, this is likely not enough to soothe their fears. They may insist this is absolutely something they need to be worried about!
It isn’t their fault. If they have entered a state of panic, they are operating from their brain stem, which only has access to fight, flight, or freeze responses. They do not currently have access to the problem-solving part of their brain – the frontal lobe – that can take logical information on board. At this point, you have two choices: – continue to reiterate that there is nothing to be afraid of and have this fall on closed, terrified ears OR validate that your child is scared.
Here’s an example of what the second option could look like: Take a deep breath, get down to your child’s eye level and say, “You are very scared that a shark is going to hurt you while swimming. That sounds really, really hard.” I suggest you breathe deeply again, downloading your calm into this situation. Their distress is crying out to be heard and acknowledged, and validation is a necessary step towards calm – don’t fall into the temptation to skip over it!
One of the most important parts of validation is avoiding the word “but.” If you say, “you are really scared BUT there is nothing to worry about,” that negates the validation. Use the word “and” instead and reflect what is underneath that fear.
Reflect and express confidence
In this case, Sally has a desire to be safe while swimming and worries that a shark will make her unsafe.
- Reflection of this might look like: “Sally, you are feeling really scared about swimming today and want to be safe.”
- Express confidence in your child’s ability to handle this big, scary feeling. “I know you can handle this. Breathe with me.”
Your child may or may not agree to breathe with you. What is important is that YOU keep breathing, this helps you stay calm and grounded in the situation.
In this moment, the hope is to teach your child how to ride the wave of anxiety. Anxiety has a peak and then will decrease – our job is to remember that waves crash and that we know how to surf. Sitting with a child in their distress instead of pushing it away teaches them that feelings are manageable.
Debrief when calm
Once your child has calmed, you can offer information regarding their fear. This may be many hours later – remember, your job as a parent is to help your child cope with their distress, not hurry it away. When your child is regulated, they have access to the logical, thinking parts of their brain again and can take in information again.
You may want to review the events that occurred, reflecting, “You felt a lot of fear earlier and worried that you were not safe.” At this point, you can reiterate that sharks only live in the ocean and that you would not take your child to swim in a place that is dangerous. Over time, your child will internalize this message; this may not happen immediately and that is ok
To summarize, when your child is anxious, sit down with them and validate the feeling they are feeling. Breathe with them to download calm to help them ride the wave of anxiety. Express confidence in their ability to manage big feelings, both with your words and your commitment to staying with them during a hard time. Debrief later when your child has access to the thinking centers of their brain, regarding the irrational fear. Above all, remember that feelings aren’t things we need to be afraid of – we just have to learn to surf!
The Advice Corner
The Advice Corner provides responses from a variety of staff, each with unique expertise, background and perspective. Please let us know if you have questions that you would like us to highlight. We want to hear from you! Questions will be posted anonymously. Please email questions to acowan@jfcsmn.org