Ask a Therapist: Frequently asked questions from caregivers

November is National Family Caregivers Month – a month to reflect on the support, dedication, love, and around-the-clock care that caregivers provide to their loved ones. JFCS Therapists Tara Burns and Michel Rousseau recently responded to questions we hear from caregivers. Their responses are below.

How do I cope with role reversal – becoming the “parent” to my own parent?

Role reversal can feel disorienting, especially when a parent with dementia needs help with daily living tasks. I encourage my clients to have self-compassion if it feels awkward or strange. Many of my clients grieve the parent they used to have even as they care for the parent in front of them, and that grief deserves space.

Remember that you aren’t becoming your parent’s parent. You’re still their child, but now offering care in a different form. Where possible, protect your parent’s dignity by offering choices and honoring their history and preferences. Preserve small pieces of the original relationship too, like sharing a meal, looking through photos, or simply sitting together without a task.

How do I cope with ambiguous loss when my loved one is physically present, but cognitively different (e.g., dementia)?

Ambiguous loss, a term coined by family therapist Pauline Boss, describes grief without closure. It’s one of the hardest kinds of grief because you’re mourning someone who is still here. It can feel like a long goodbye without the person actually leaving; I often tell clients that their grief is real and valid even though there’s no clear ending.

Let yourself acknowledge whatever comes up, whether that’s sadness, anger, or frustration. Work towards accepting that things are different and may never go back to how they were. You can grieve what has changed while still treasuring simple moments together, like a favorite meal or TV show, a sunrise, singing or humming a familiar song, or holding hands. 

Is it normal to feel resentment?

Yes, it’s completely normal, and I hear it from caregivers far more often than people admit. Resentment usually isn’t a sign that you don’t love the person you’re caring for. More often it’s aimed at the illness and the situation. None of us expect to become caregivers. We’re often thrown into the role without a guidebook or instructions. So it’s no wonder the stress and exhaustion add up, and your own needs can get pushed aside. But you can hold love and frustration at the same time, and having both doesn’t make you a bad caregiver. When resentment shows up, I encourage clients to treat it as information: what do I need that I’m not getting, whether that’s rest, help from others, or time that’s just mine?  

Why do I feel guilty when I take time for myself? 

I find that people often conflate guilt with empathy. Guilt implies blame, while empathy implies compassion. Feeling for someone doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong by tending to your own needs. I often point caregivers to the “Golden Rule of Caregiving,” which states that you must secure your own physical and mental well-being first before attempting to help or care for others. The next time that uneasy feeling arises, try asking yourself, “Is this guilt, or is this compassion?” Then remind yourself that two truths are allowed to be valid at the same time – “I can hold compassion for them and still take this time for me.”

How do I ask for help without feeling like I am failing?

One person can only do so much, because there is a limit to the physical, cognitive, and emotional energy any of us can spend at one time – certainly within the role and responsibilities of caregiving. The demands of caregiving are inherently more than one person can provide alone, and that has nothing to do with the level of love or connection you have with your loved one. I empower my caregiver clients to write out all of their responsibilities so they can see everything they do and to feel good about it. That list also makes asking for help easier because you can be specific, such as: “Could you sit with mom on Tuesday from 2 to 4 so I can run errands?”

How do I set boundaries without feeling disrespectful? 

Boundaries are challenging for many reasons, one being that they are a learned skill. We take our earliest cues about how to set and maintain boundaries from our family of origin, so healthy/unhealthy patterns we observe as children often get replicated as adults.

Boundaries start with naming your limits (physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual), since you can’t set a boundary if you’re unsure where you stand. I often remind clients that a boundary isn’t a wall or a rejection; it’s a way of keeping your care honest and sustainable. Setting a boundary isn’t disrespectful because it honors both you and your loved one, who deserves a caregiver who is present and well rather than depleted and quietly resentful.

It’s also worth remembering that someone disagreeing with your boundary doesn’t inherently mean that you’re doing something wrong – their disapproval isn’t proof that you’ve been disrespectful. Try pairing warmth with clarity, such as: “I love you, and I can’t do evenings this week. I can be there Saturday morning.”

If you are a caregiver or know a caregiver who is looking for support, JFCS of Minnesota is here to help. Senior Services and Counseling offers compassionate, confidential support. Our case managers and licensed clinicians provide a range of services to help you build emotional well-being and resilience. We are Here for all. Always.

Learn more or schedule an appointment HERE or call 952-546-0616.